My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot