My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Brb my Sims are getting married
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire