My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
estão todos miauvindo?
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
m’lady
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.