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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My birthstone is a marshmallow
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes