Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits