-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
You Might Also Like
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
translated into Canadian
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs