Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Coffee is ready.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

This was the best day of my life

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

#Caturday