Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Lol #dogsoftwitter
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave