Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
her: wanna go upstairs
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
me: would not recommend
Golf would be better with landmines.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
When I said I liked it rough.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband