Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
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They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL