Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
We’re all getting idioter.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years