Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
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It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
How wrong was this guy?
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We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.