Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?