Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?