In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.