How do horror writers compete with current events?
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[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
What a chick magnet..
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
english majors be like furthermore
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all