How do horror writers compete with current events?
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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I am, perchance
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[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
✌️
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If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end