My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
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*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Great game to play with friends
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Make new friends? bro out of what?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom