Make new friends? bro out of what?
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Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
good for her
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
next level snooze
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room