Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Doctors texting each other.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.