@JimmerThatisAll

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

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@therepoguy

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

@sonictyrant

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

@ValeeGrrl

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

@paminski

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

@tchrquotes

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

@deapoirierbooks

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

@VerbsRProudest

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

@3sunzzz

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.