I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything