I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Genius idea!!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.