Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I found your tweet-up…
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on