All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?