At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I needed a laugh this morning.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.