Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Phonetics
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.