Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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I mean…but I did
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.