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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.