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Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
an octopus is just a wet spider
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
COP: step outta the car
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body