Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
You Might Also Like
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Breaking news:
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do