Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend