@vrunt

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

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@timdonakowski

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

@FattMernandez

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

@FattMernandez

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

@doktorj

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

@outsmartedmommy

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

@gerryhallcomedy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

@Baileymoon15

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

@ericonederful

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.