@vrunt
@timdonakowski *stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
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@timdonakowski 
@FattMernandez I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
@FattMernandez A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
@doktorj *lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
@outsmartedmommy 7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
@gerryhallcomedy Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
@Playing_Dad [At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
@Baileymoon15 jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
@tiReynard Fat chances are my favorite chances
@ericonederful Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.