Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.