[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower