Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.