@LostFelicia

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

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@notalogin

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

@Ygrene

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

@ayedocc

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

@Storminika

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

@WheelTod

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@FeralFerrell

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

@Alex_but_online

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

@AweShadySome

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.