*seductively peels off lederhosen
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a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no