If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
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Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My what?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it