I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun