I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.