“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Yup….perfect score!
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.