When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The pen is writier than the sword.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas