Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
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You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
New tinder profile pic
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.