I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
“you recording!?”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
*skinny dips into black hole
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.