@_elvishpresley_

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

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@blade_funner

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

@10InchesPlus

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

@schumoo

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

@

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

@Jandalize

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

@anerdonfire2

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

@Ygrene

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

@Fred_Delicious

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

@DurtMcHurtt

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*