STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
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Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*