My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*