The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos