I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.