I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there