I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.