I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
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Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no