ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
2022 will be better than 2021
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Can’t. Being lazy.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.