DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
How your email finds me
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something