her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Sorry not sorry.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!