Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
channeling her this year
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them