I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.