“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though