GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
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“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?