When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I think the cat got the dog high.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them