The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
So inspired right now.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.