[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.